Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
