I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
