Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
