I want to make a zoo with you.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
