I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
