That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
