she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
