He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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