He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
