When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
