dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just cropdusted the office
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
