plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
