He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
