Need sex. Gaining weight.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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