Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
A+ Viking dick
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
