didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
