He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
