I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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