Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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