I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
