She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
