Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
