i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
