Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
