Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
