Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
