i wish my penis had a tongue
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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