I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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