The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
