i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
