I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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