guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
