When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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