We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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