I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize