I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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