I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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