I just saw a hot homeless man
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
