my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize