Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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