I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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