if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
