Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
