Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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