Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
