when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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