she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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