I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
