I want to make a zoo with you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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