There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
