I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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