My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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