i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
