Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
