you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
