Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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